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FICTION: Janet and John Get Out of their Heads by Patrick Whittaker  

Posted by Scott Wilson

From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)

To : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)

Sent : 13 Sep. 13:21

hi babes!

how's it hanging? i promised i'd email ya as soon as i got to berlin. just checked in & the hotel is as fab as it looks on the web.

u'll be pleased to know that magic charm u gave me got me here safely. no gremlins, no plane crashes, no getting arrested by the gestapo. (i took yr advise & refrained from giving the customs man a hitler salute.)

the flight was unbelievable. my 1st time in business class and non-stop booze all the way.

i read a couple of chapters of that book u lent me. 2 be honest tho, i can't see me getting into it. not saying it's mumbo jumbo or nothing. just not my cup of tea, is all.

anyways, i'm gonna try out the shower, chuck coffee down my throat and catch a couple hrs kip. then me and franky are off to paint the town red.

~o~

From : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)

To : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)

Sent : 14 Sep. 09:42

Hello John.

I'm fine. Thank you very much for asking.

I hope you didn't get too silly last night. You never could handle your alcohol and I don't think you'd find a German police cell quite as nice as your hotel room.

By the time you read this, you'll have had a grand tour of the Berlin office so let's hope some of the German efficiency you're always deriding rubs off on you! (Only kidding.)

Take care of my grimoire, won't you? It's been in my family for generations. I won't force you to read it if you don't want to, but I do wish you would. It will help you understand where I'm coming from and maybe convince you Wicca really is a proper religion.

Oh heck. You've only been gone a day and I'm already missing you.

Love you lots!

Your big fluffy bunny,

Janet. XXXXXXXXXXX!

o~





From : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)



To : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 14 Sep. 15:02





yo! wot a day! wot a company canteen! it's got a drinks machine & guess what? it has beer!. u should have seen franky's face when he saw it. the boozie old sod had 3 bottles of kraut lager with his schnitzel (or wotever it woz we woz eating). me? i had water.





still recovering from last nite. u woz rite, i shouldn't try to keep up with franky. mind u, he's a bit hungover too but not as much as me. I'm definitely going 2 bed early 2nite.





i think of u all the time. can't wait to get back to blighty. maybe u can send me a broomstick so i can fly home during my lunch breaks! LOL!





gotta go. herr flick (my pet name for one of the managers here) is cracking the whip. u vill audit zese books or u vill be shot!





big sloppy kiss!





-john





~o~





From : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)



To : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 14 Sep. 15:57





Yeah, nice crack about the broomstick, dickhead. You know I don't like it when you mock my religion. Thank your lucky stars I don't turn you into a frog!





Tell you what. Keep your eyes peeled round about midnight. If you're where you say you'll be - i.e. in bed - then you're in for a surprise.





Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)



To : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 14 Sep. 16:09





jannypops! yr not mad at me, r u? i woz only kidding. i'll make it up 2 u when i get back. name any restaurant & leave the rest to me.





(& 4 wot it's worth, i've read a bit more of yr grimoire. it's starting to make a weird sort of sense.)





-john





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 15 Sep. 03:22





hi janet.





i know u ain't gonna read this till much later but never mind. it's about zilch o'clock here & i couldn't sleep thinking i may have pissed u off. i wasn't having a dig when i said about yr broomstick & if it upset u then i'm sorry, sorry, a thousand times sorry.





being away from u - even for this short a time - has really brought it home how much u mean 2 me. i'm missing u big time & am always thinking about u.





i even had a dream about u. i dreamt I woz lying in bed when u suddenly appeared from out of nowhere. u was standing by the dressing table, waving at me. scared the crap out of me that did. then u said something i couldn't hear, blew me a kiss and vanished.





weirdest thing that's happened 2 me in a long time.





look, do us a favour girl & put me out of my agony. email asap & tell me i'm forgiven. then maybe i can get some sleep.





-john





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 03:24





Ha ha! I was wondering when I'd hear from you. I've been waiting at my PC since just after midnight.





So you've convinced yourself it was a dream, have you? I suppose I should have expected that. After all, the truth is pretty mind-blowing - especially for a non-believer like you.





What you saw was my spirit. I was having a self-induced out of the body experience. And what I said before I disappeared from your room was: 'I love you and forgive you'.





And in case you think I'm yanking your chain, I was wearing a T shirt with a picture of a cat holding an umbrella on it. I've only just bought it so you won't have seen it before.





Sweet dreams, my precious. (Hee! Hee!)





Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:03





hi babes.





sorry i couldn't chat on the phone longer. had herr flick breathing down my neck.





been thinking things thru. u can hardly blame me for being sceptical, can u? but i can't deny the evidence of my own eyes. so yeah - i totally believe u astrally projected into my hotel room here in berlin.





man, I am so freaked! but in a good way. it is totally the coolest thing ever.





u have just so gotta show me how it's done.





-john





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:07





Hi John.





Hate to disappoint you, babes, but astral projection isn't that easy. Even if I gave you the spell, it would take years to master.





If you like, when you come home I'll teach you about Wicca. But remember it's a proper religion and not - as you seem to think - an excuse for grown adults to get naked together.





Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:09





u r on as far as learning about Wicca is concerned. as you keep telling me, i could do with a bit of spirituality in my life.





maybe u underestimate me when u say it will take me years to learn astral projection. i've always been a fast learner & isn't it u wot keeps telling me i'm a suppressed psychic?





gimme the spell, babes. and let's c wot happens.







-john





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:09





Honestly, hon. There'd be no point.





J.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:10





oh please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please (times 1 zillion).





-j





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:11





I'll tell you what I'll do. Be in your bathroom with pen and paper at exactly midnight. That's midnight my time. If you see the spell, write it down. If you don't see it - and I'm sure you won't - you're not ready to use it.





Final offer.





J.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 15 Sep. 18:12





brill! i'll settle for that. midnight it is.





gotta go now. the krauts are taking me & franky for a meal & then drinkies. mustn't keep herr flick waiting.





luv u lots, u gorgeous thing u.





-john (kiss kiss)





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 16 Sep. 03:13





janet! that was the most brilliant thing ever!





it worked. it bloody well worked!





i did wot u said. the krauts wanted me to go clubbing but i told em i needed my beddy-bys.





anyway - there I was, standing in the bathroom like u told me & all of a sudden there was this mist & the mirror fogged up. then this writing appeared on the mirror like someone was using their finger. i just had time to scribble down the spell before it disappeared.





dunno wot language it's written in. looks a bit like latin but i don't think it's that.





u didn't tell me how to use the spell (coz u didn't think i'd get it, did you? o ye of little faith) so i improvised.





i stood in the middle of the room, in my jim-jams and dressing gown, & read the spell out loud. nothing happened.





so i read it again and again until it stuck in my memory and i chucked the pad away. nothing seemed to be happening and i thought about jacking it in but somehow i couldn't stop. the words kept coming out of my mouth. it's like when you get a tune stuck in your head & it goes round & round & round.





eventually I thought - right, that's it, john. yr just making an arse of yourself. call it quits and hit the sack.





then i realised i was no longer in my hotel room! in fact I was no longer in the hotel.





i looked down and there was berlin. i could see the brandenberg gate and the ruined church in the kufurstandamm and even stalag 13 (or head office as it's officially called).





For a moment, i was bleeding gob-smacked. & then, when i realised what had happened, i was bloody terrified. & straight away I was back in my body feeling like u do when u have a dream & something bad in it makes u wake up.





i got a bottle of schanpps i was gonna bring back. drank about half of it before i could get over the shock. & then - mad bastard that i am - i had another go with the spell but nothing happened. maybe it was the booze. but i'm definitely gonna try it again & this time i'm flying all the way to blighty so you'd better watch out for me!





hugs & kisses





-j.





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 16 Sep. 08:22





Dear John.





I've just seen your email and feel somewhat alarmed. Although it's great that you managed to leave your body, you need to be very, very careful. You probably didn't have time to see it, but if you looked at your navel, you would have seen a cord of light linking your spirit to your body. If that cord gets broken, your spirit might not be able to return.





You obviously have great powers but you need to learn how to use them wisely and safely. I can teach you but you must be patient.





Please, please, please, for your own sake, don't use the spell again while you're in Berlin. Once you're back in England, we can astrally project together. Won't that be great?





I'm missing you more than ever and can't wait to fall into your manly arms ;-).





See ya soon.





-Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)



To : Janet Evans (janet.evans@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 16 Sep. 09:22





babes!



don't worry. now i've had a chance to think about it, i'm in no rush to leave this here body of mine. but I am looking forward to us doing it together.





can spirits have sex? wouldn't it be fun to join the mile high club without even being in an airplane? perhaps over the houses of parliament or buckingham palace? Or how about *IN* buckingham palace? right in front of the queen! (LMAOROFL!)





btw: been snowing here. I mean proper snowing with it coming right up 2 my knees. maybe me & franky should challenge the sausage noshers to a snowball re-enactment of the battle of el alamein. but then - maybe not.





only 3 days till i see ya again! seems like an eternity!





luv ya lots





-j.





ps: manly arms? moi? LOL!!!





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 17 Sep. 01:47





YOU BITCH!! YOU SLUT!!! YOU WHORE!!!!!!





i am so gonna mess you up, you cheating slag!!!





you are dumped. DUMPED!!! FRIGGING DUMPED!!!





i hope you get the clap & end up sterile.





by the time i get back, i want you and all traces of your existence out of my flat & as far as possible, i'm going to pretend you don't exist - even at work.





GOODBYE YOU WITCH!!





-J.





PS: they oughta burn u at the stake. whore!!!





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 17 Sep. 08:22





John.





What on Earth's going on? Is this some kind of joke? Because if it is it's in very poor taste and not the least bit funny.





Ever since I got your vile email, I haven't stopped crying.





I've racked my brains and have no idea what I could have done to upset you or make you say such hurtful things.





If you've had enough of me, fine! Just say so. You don't have to be cruel about it.





-Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 17 Sep. 19:36





wot's wrong with u, u stupid bitch? get it thru yr thick head: i want nothing more to do wiv u. so stop calling me at work and stop emailing me. that little miss innocent shit ain't gonna wash. not after wot i saw last night.





oh yeah. thought i wouldn't find out, didn't ya? thought while the cat was away you might as well play & poor dumb john would be none the wiser. wrong! i was right there in the bedroom - *MY* bedroom - while u & gavin rutted like animals.





why in god's name gavin of all people? i thought u hated the slimey creep? and how come u let him do that thing u never let me do?





-j.





~o~







From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 17 Sep. 19:52





John.





I think this will be the hardest email I've ever typed in my life. Let me start by saying that despite everything I still love you and want you to remain an important part of my life. I truly believe we can get over our present difficulties and rebuild our relationship.





I won't chide you for breaking your promise not to use the spell again. I'm just relieved no harm came to you. Berlin to London is a long way for a novice to astral project. It's a wonder you managed to get back.





As to me and Gavin, I owe you an explanation and a deep, heart-felt apology. I swear to God I've never been unfaithful to you before and I intend to have nothing further to do with Gavin.





The fact is - and I know this is no excuse - I was (and am) lonely without you. A few of us at work went out for drinks and I guess I had too much and I was suddenly in tears at the thought of going home to an empty flat.





I thought Gavin was being sympathetic. When he put his arm around me I had no idea he was making a move. Naïve? Yes, I was. Foolish too.





Actually, I think he may have used rohypnol. What happened back at the flat is all a blur.





I hate to bring it up - and it's no mitigation - but you have strayed a couple of times yourself and each time I've forgiven you. I ask now that you do the same for me.





I love you, John, and I don't want to lose you. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.





Yours (in desperation),



Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 17 Sep. 19:48





rohypnol my arse! wot kind of a dumb knobhead do u take me 4?





u remember that website we had a gud laugh at? the one where blokes get their own back on ex-girlfriends by uploading naked photographs of the slags for all the world to see? suggest u take a look.





yrs vengefully,





-j.





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



Sent : 17 Sep. 20:11





You bastard! You hateful, vicious loathesome little creep! You promised you'd deleted those photos. And all this time you've kept them on your laptop!





I give you fair warning, John. Take them down NOW! You know I have certain powers but you've no idea what I can do with them.





Remove the photographs or SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!





-Janet.





~o~





From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



Sent : 18 Sep. 07:17





oh yes! i am one mighty & powerful wizard. nothing can stop me. NOTHING!





so how did it feel, having me in your dreams? knowing I was yr lord and master? knowing every time u sleep i can slip into your mind and conjure up nightmares.





u think having the ground swallow you up was bad? u think sending you into the fires of hell is the worst i can do? u think being covered in spiders is where it stops?





think again, bitch.





i have yr grimoire, remember? there's some v. interesting spells in it. some of which u would not like to be on the receiving end of.





now get out of my flat! if i find u still there 2nite, u r going to be in hell the second u fall asleep.





-j.





~o~





From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)



To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)



cc : John Heywood (john.heywood@lombix.co.uk)



Sent : 18 Sep. 07:38





Now you've done it. Now you have really done it.





You think you can mess with a witch, do you?





Time you learnt different.





Enjoy your day at work, shithead.

-Janet.

~o~

From : Frank Beatie (francis.beatie@lombix.co.uk)

To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)

Sent : 18 Sep. 15:07

Hi Janet.

Frank from work here.

Hope you don't mind me emailing you on your private email. Apparently you're not in work today and I didn't want you to be the last to know about what's happened to John.

From what I can gather, you and him have had some sort of lover's tiff and maybe that's what's pushed him over the edge.

He'd been acting funny all morning - telling people he was a wizard and stuff like that. Then, right in the middle of a meeting with some very senior managers, he started goose-stepping around the boardroom singing “Hitler Has Only Got One Ball”.

Needless to say, the krauts didn't see the joke (they never do, do they?) and told John to get his arse on the first plane back to England.

It's touch and go as to whether he can hang on to his job. He's obviously having some sort of nervous breakdown and maybe they'll take that into account.

If you want to meet him at the airport - and I think it would be a very good thing if you did - he should be arriving at a quarter to nine (your time) tomorrow morning.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but I thought it best you should know.

Take care.

-franky.

~o~

From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)

To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)

Sent : 18 Sep. 21:58

ok. u win. let's call a truce before this goes 2 far.

i won't invade yr dreams if u promise never to possess me like that again. & i've removed the photos from the internet & wiped them from my hard disk.

u can stay in the flat 4 now. who knows? maybe we can still rescue our relationship - if that's what u want.

i dunno if i've still got a job but i won't hold that against u. there r plenty of openings 4 someone with my skills so we needn't worry there.

basically - u win. i surrender.

afraid I won't be back in blighty 2morrow. everything's snowbound here. so it's back to my hotel room where i will definitely not be doing anything wizardy.

-j.

~o~

From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)

To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)

Sent : 18 Sep. 22:16

OK, John. I'm glad you've come to your senses and I'm sorry things got so out of hand. Hopefully we've both learnt some important lessons from all this.

I still love you, despite everything, and am confident we can rebuild what we had and make it stronger than ever.

And don't worry about your job. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd laugh, but I used my magic to get you your latest promotion. I can use a similar spell to bag you a new - and even better - job.

Now you've shown you have the power, I can teach you the Craft - but only if you promise to use it wisely.

Let me know when you manage to get a flight and I'll pick you up at the airport. In the meantime, don't fret. I'm sure everything's going to be all right.

Big hugs and kisses,

-Janet. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

~o~

From : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)

To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)

Sent : 19 Sep. 03:48

You idiot, John! You lying, treacherous little bastard.

All that guff about calling a truce and being sorry and getting back together. Lies, lies, lies!

So you think you're a high mighty wizard, do you? Let me tell you, an uncontrollable thirst spell is kid's stuff and easy to break.

So I drank several gallons of water? Big deal.

I'm sorry, John. But I can't let you go round casting spells willy-nilly. Especially when you're using my own grimoire against me.

Last warning. Stop it - or else!

-Janet.

~o~

From : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)

To : Janet Evans (moongoddess@biffomail.com)

Sent : 19 Sep. 04:12

u make me laugh, woman. who the hell do you think yr trying to scare?

oh no help help! the wicked witch is going 2 turn me into a frog! boo hoo! i'm so scared.

time 2 teach u a lesson, my sweet. how d'ya fancy a plague of cockroaches?

brace yourself, bitch.

-j.

~o~

From : Frank Beatie (francis.beatie@lombix.co.uk)

To : John Heywood (bigjohn57@biffomail.com)

Sent : 19 Sep. 10:27

John! Frank from work here.

I don't know if you'll get this email any time soon but if you do please let me know you're OK. I've tried ringing, but your mobile phone is switched off.

You've probably got other things on your mind right now, but I thought you should know your landlady's been trying to get hold of you. Something about your flat being infested with cockroaches.

I got a chamber maid to let me in to your room this morning so I could see if you were there. You weren't, but your luggage and laptop were so you must have come back from the airport.

Mind you, I'd stay out of your room for now. At least until they've cleaned up the mess caused by the chamber maid. Built like a tractor, she is. Probably eats iron bars for breakfast.

Anyway, she lets me into your room and watches me while I look around. Then all of a sudden she starts yelling in German and I'm thinking “this is it! I'm going to do die!”

But then I see what she's yelling at - a bloody great frog sitting right in the middle of the room. Next thing I know - splat! - she's gone and stamped on it with her size ten trainer!

Bloody horrible it was, watching the poor thing squirming about with its legs sticking out from under the frau's shoe. She stamped on it 4 times before it finally stopped kicking.

I've never felt so sorry for an amphibian in all my life.

Anyway, now for the good news. I've convinced the krauts you're suffering from nervous exhaustion and not a bad lad after all. So not only have you been forgiven, you're getting 2 weeks off to recuperate.

Everything's going to be fine, John. But where the hell are you?

-Franky.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 26, 2011 at 1:02 AM . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

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