Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Cork of Sealing

The Cork of Sealing
By Scott Wilson
Word Count: 1154
It all started when our over-heralded star, Flatulence Man, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling very concerned, Flatulence Man groped a ripened avocado, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected she realized that her beloved Cork of Sealing was missing! Immediately she called her fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Bling Girl. Flatulence Man had known Bling Girl for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Bling Girl was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... clueless. Flatulence Man called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Bling Girl picked up to a very unctuous Flatulence Man. Bling Girl calmly assured her that most spotted wolf hamsters panic before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually indiscriminately sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Flatulence Man. Why was Bling Girl trying to distract Flatulence Man? Because he had snuck out from Flatulence Man's with the Cork of Sealing only eleven days prior. It was an eccentric little Cork of Sealing... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Flatulence Man got back to the subject at hand: her Cork of Sealing. Bling Girl belched. Reluctantly, Bling Girl invited her over; assuring her, they would find the Cork of Sealing. Flatulence Man grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bling Girl realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Cork of Sealing and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Flatulence Man took the spaceship, he had taken at least three minutes before Flatulence Man would get there. However, if she took the Cloud of Gaseous Filth? Then Bling Girl would be abundantly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, ten selfish Drop Bears that were lured by his Cork of Sealing interrupted Bling Girl. Bling Girl panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he carefully reached for his carrot and aggressively backhanded every last one of them. Apparently, this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Cloud of Gaseous Filth rolling up. It was Flatulence Man.


As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so she knew she was running late. With a mighty leap, Flatulence Man was out of the Cloud of Gaseous Filth and went earnestly jaunting toward Bling Girl's front door. Meanwhile inside, Bling Girl was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Cork of Sealing into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Bling Girl was pleased but at least the Cork of Sealing was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Bling Girl earnestly purred. With a heroic push, Flatulence Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish flaming idiot in a spaceship,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Bling Girl assured her. Flatulence Man took a seat frighteningly close to where Bling Girl had hidden the Cork of Sealing. Bling Girl grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Flatulence Man was distracted. Just as zero people expected Bling Girl noticed an oafish look on Flatulence Man's face. Flatulence Man slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Bling Girl felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Flatulence Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Cork of Sealing right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything...!' A lie. An insensitive look started to form on Flatulence Man's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Flatulence Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bling Girl could react; Flatulence Man skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Cork of Sealing was plainly in view.

Flatulence Man stared at Bling Girl for what must have been four days. A few unfulfilled decades later, Bling Girl groped flamboyantly in Flatulence Man's direction, clearly desperate. Flatulence Man grabbed the Cork of Sealing and bolted for the door. It was locked. Bling Girl let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Flatulence Man,' he rebuked. Bling Girl always had been a little pestering, so Flatulence Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Bling Girl did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Happy as a frickin' monkey, she gripped her Cork of Sealing tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Bling Girl looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Flatulence Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Flatulence Man. 'Oh. You ...okay?' Still silence. Bling Girl walked over to the window and looked down. Flatulence Man was gone.


Just yonder, Flatulence Man was struggling to make her way through the bush behind Bling Girl's place. Flatulence Man had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Drop Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Cork of Sealing. One by one, they latched on to Flatulence Man. Already weakened from her injury, Flatulence Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Drop Bears running off with her Cork of Sealing.

But then The King of Randomness and Great Silly Things came down with His charismatic smile and restored Flatulence Man's Cork of Sealing. Feeling relieved, The King of Randomness and Great Silly Things smote the Drop Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His time machine and darted away with the fortitude of sixty-one albino cats running from a huge pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Flatulence Man flipped with joy when she saw this. Her Cork of Sealing was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes her favorite TV show, Dancing with the Stars, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When disease-carrying chipmunks meet contraceptive'). Flatulence Man was contented. And so, everyone except Bling Girl and a few unborn fetus-toting South American hissing sloths lived blissfully happy, forever after.

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