Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sales Pitch of the Century

Sales Pitch of the Century
By Scott Wilson
Word Count: 388

“This is developed to add fifty years to your life...so stop complaining, and take a swig for your personal eternity. Do it now, we’ve not had many fatalities from it so chugalug.”

“You are the pushiest sales bot I have ever come across,” Jinxal said to the shiny, silver robot at his apartment door.

“I am sorry if you feel that way, sir,” the sales bot said. “But I have to make twenty sales per day, and calculating the ratio you must purchase the elixir or I will need to work an additional two hours. That will not be acceptable as our hours of work are inflexible.”

“Look, I don’t appreciate you knocking on my door at dinner time and grabbing me by the neck when I said I’m not interested in your product.”

“I am sorry, sir. But I only had to use this sales technique when you interfered with my statistical calculations for the required sales ratio.”

“Grabbing customer’s by the neck is one of your sales pitches? What about customer service? What about my choice? Look, just let go of me and we’ll forget all about this, okay?”

The sales bot’s green eyes flicked as it stood motionless for a minute.

“I am afraid, sir. That the probability of you forgetting all about this, are quite slim. If I leave without the sale, not only will my sales record be tarnished, but you will with a seventy-four percent probability, lodge a complaint, leaving me with no other option but to return to extract a swift and well calculated revenge upon you and your family, sir.”

Jinxal gulped.

“Now, sir,” said the sales bot. “Can I interest you in some of this wonderful elixir?”

“Okay, okay...” Jinxal said. “Just put me down and get the hell out of here. I’ll buy your crap, okay.”

The sales bot handed Jinxal a small blue vial, took Jinxal’s credit card and swiped it through the card reader in his chest, then released his grip.

“Thank you for your business, sir. We are happy to be of future assistance, should your friends or family wish to purchase our elixir...after hearing of its benefits from you...personally.”


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